You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
"Back that glass up."
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Oh I didn't mean to pull you in so close. I thought I heard a rutting bull moose.
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.