What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
Hey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
Your hold on my heart is perennial, I’ll keep coming back always.
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
I’ll never leaf you.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
You must be a keyboard. Because you're just my type.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama