Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
This vacation has been sand-sational!
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!