The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Has anyone ever told you that you look like an ancient Chinese scroll? Because I can't stop looking you up and down.
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
You’re udder-ly perfect.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.