I like big punts and I cannot lie
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
Even the Chocolate factory doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
I loaf you.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey