Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
I think we'd make a cute pear.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
We should make like your parents and split.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
So … do you run here often?
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
Sleigh, what?!
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
You’re unbeleafable.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.