My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
Wow, you drive me Davi
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
Sorry, did you fart? You blow me away!
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.