Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Were you born in a farm? You look a-maize-ing.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
Namastay here or come home with me?
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.