I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.

What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”

What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.

Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!

What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.

The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.

Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.

I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.

"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben

Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.

Do you know the Tango? Because you're dancing away with my heart.

This palace is a breath of fresh heir!

“In order to maintain a well­-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey

Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.

What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.

How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.

I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.

What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.

My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.

Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.

Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous

If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.

Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.

When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.

What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.

Me: I'll have a Corona please.

Waiter: *Cough*

Me: Thank you.

“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”

– R. G. Daniels

If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet

Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!

“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien

What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.

Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.

“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”

Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.

The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.

Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.

What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.

If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.

What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!

I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!

Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!

My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."

I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.