What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Books are my kind of texts.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
My space ship is ready. Wanna ride?
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
I'd love to see you s'more.
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.