"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
I love you from my head tomato
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!