Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Crowing, crowing, gone.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers