After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
You look like trash, may I take you out?
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I'm arresting you for breaking the 8th amendment because you...are excessively fine!
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
I think we need to become better strangers.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
A witch burnt her butt on a candle.
She was angry. It was such a scandal.
She jumped on her broom
And zoomed to her doom.
Went too fast, so she flew off the handle!
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
Hey, are you okay-leb?
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.