What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
Are you a model?
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
I like you a latke!
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.