Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.

I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.

Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”

"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"

Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?

Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.

My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."

Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."

What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.

What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.

What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.

I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...

I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!

Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

The temperature can only go up from here.

What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.

What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.

What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.

Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.

An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”

How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns

What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.

When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.

"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault

Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.

Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett

If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.

"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous

Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!

It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.

I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."

Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.

Corona crisis reaches new level:
Iran out of toilet paper.

What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.

“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown

A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."

My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”

He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”

Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.

Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!