What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
That was thaw-some!
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.