If you travel to the future and get decapitated

You'd be ahead of your time

Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?

What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!

I know we just met, but I Cairo lot about you.

Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.

What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.

Are you Charlotte Brönte? Because you're a breath of fresh Eyre.

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.

It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.

How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.

Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.

Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.

Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn

“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary

What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!

If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.

What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!

I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.

What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.

. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.

Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.

I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?

I whale always love you.

A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.

What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.

My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.

Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.

It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.

A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke

Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.

"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."

My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.

What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!

It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.

Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.

What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.

What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.

A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.

What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!

What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.

What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!

What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns

What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!