How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!