Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
Was scared to approach you honestly, but I decided to take a Nata-leap of faith.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
You're my missing ingredient.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.