Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.
You are unbe-Leah-vably gorgeous
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."