Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏