What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
You are living proof that Australia was colonized by criminals, because it's 'criminal' how good you look.
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
As soon as I saw your face, I knew you weren’t just the average Jo
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian