I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
Shes a fairy realistic person.
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
Are you my favorite book? Because when I think about you I touch my shelf.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.