"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.