What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
Beach you to it.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
My fridge is hotter than you.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.