“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
I think you're mer-mazing.
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
"Eggs love you."
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
You shamrock my world.
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Baby you got the perfect route for me.
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.