What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
Hey girl, are you on the endangered species list? 'Cause baby you are one of a kind!
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.