Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
Whoa, Domi-nice pics you got there
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
Witch you were here.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.