“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
Stay true to your shelf.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers