I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
We're donion rings.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.