How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
I wanna bob for your apples.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
You're hotter than sulfuric acid and sugar and you smell twice as sweet.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.