"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
You are the HCl to my NaOH. With our sweet love, we could make an ocean together.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
I can't let it be until I get your number.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!
I beacha miss summer already!
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
What’s the best part of the cell, next to the cytoplasm? The nucle-US.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!