Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
Your name is insert name here?
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
Life is brew-tiful!
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.