What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
"Time wounds all heels."
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.
Ants in your plants.
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.