Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
Without you, I’m like a null set… Empty.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.