Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
Knock knock.
Come in.
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
You snooze. You booze.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
Don't even chai.
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
I really caribou-t you.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!