Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
You’re prettier than a summer day in Lunenburg.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
I wood never leaf you.
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins