What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
"Bone to be wild."
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
"Night Noises"
My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.
It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.
A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!
At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."
– Alan Balter
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.