What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
Let's do lunge together
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
I'm not a professional referee, but please can I have your name and number?
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.