I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
"Five Little Acorns"
Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”
The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.
– Debbie Hill
"The Silliest Teacher in School"
Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.
We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.
The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.
“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”
– Darren Sardelli
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Distill my beating heart.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Thank brew very much.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
Wanna churn butter with me?
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
I bet we'd get into some serious Treble together.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”