I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
You're the ruler of my heart.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Are you a brand new racing suit? Because you make me forget how to breathe.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.