You had me at cello.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
Writers have great climaxes.
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
Are you Charlotte Brönte? Because you're a breath of fresh Eyre.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.
Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost