My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Were you born in a farm? You look a-maize-ing.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
You know what they say... Big Feet.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw