Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.