When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
I think we need to become better strangers.
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.