What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
You looked better when I was drunk.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
You are sweeter than 3.14.
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
Baby you make my telescope expand.
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
You are shrimply the best!
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.