Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.

A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.

The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.

Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.

Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.

Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.

Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.

What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated

My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times

Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.

So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?

So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.

What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.

What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.

What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!

What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.

Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.

My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”

Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.

Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.

Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.

After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.

My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."

Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.

People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.

I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.

Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.

I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.

I know you are a goalie but I hope you don’t stop me from scoring tonight.

We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.

Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.

Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.

Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.

That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?

“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”

The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.

Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.

Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."

What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”

Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.

You’re my heartthrob.

What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.

The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.

How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!

Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.