Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
Baby you make my telescope expand.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.