Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can Of Worms!
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
You’re once, twice, three times a lady.