What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What do you say to you, me, and our dogs getting together sometime to raise the ruff?
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
Even the Chocolate factory doesn't make candy as sweet as you.